Signs it may be time to leave a relationship

 Everyone and their brother have written articles about narcissists, and everyone has their differing opinions. So, I typically try to steer away from this topic. However, here it seems to be rearing its ugly head begging me to write about it, if only for one article.

All relationships have their weaknesses and none of them are without occasional conflict. In any "normal" relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and hashed out. 

For the most part though, normal relationships help you feel emotionally safe and secure in yourself as an individual. This is NOT the case in relationships with toxic individuals such as narcissists. Even when you know the relationship is bad for you, it feels impossible to leave because of the trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance that forms over time.

When a relationship is not right for us, we start getting small signs...like something just not feeling "right', weird vibes, or an awkward moment where you see that person's presence is completely out of alignment with who you are deep down.

Maybe that person is unusually cruel to a server in a restaurant, or you catch them in a lie and they have a somewhat reasonable explanation for it, or maybe you discover they are still talking to an ex. 

These events make you uncomfortable, but you brush them under the rug, because "hey everybody has their flaws, right?" Believe me, I've been there, Many times. 

Then before you know it you discover your spouse/partner has been cheating for months or years. Maybe has a whole life you never knew about. The universe sends us small signs like pebbles to get us to take notice. But after a while the universe has no choice but to start throwing bricks and boulders at us because we ignored all of the small signs.

Signs it's time to leave:

-You constantly obsess about your partner and feel insecure about yourself 

Do you obsess for hours about what you've done wrong and what caused your relationship to dive down the vortex of despair? Are you unable to function at work or as a parent because you're immobilized by fear of what your partner is up to? Do you constantly feel the knot of abandonment and fear in your stomach terrified that your relationship is on thin ice?

If you feel worthless, depressed, crazy, suspicious, are unable to function in your daily life it's an indicator that you have narcissistic abuse syndrome, and this is hands down the primary reason you should leave a relationship.

- You've been encouraged to detach from family and friends

A possessive person tells you they care about your safety and that their possessive behavior proves they love you. Taken to the extreme possessiveness causes you to isolate yourself from friends and family members. The people you know and love. 

The goal of isolation is to control you by breaking down your emotional will to resist.

- You're the target of constant verbal abuse

Regular verbal attacks on your character and value destroy your self-esteem and may cause you to put aside your most important beliefs and ideals.

Verbal abuse is characterized by critical or humiliating remarks about you as a person. If your partner continually puts you down and makes you feel unworthy of self-respect this is a warning sign that something is definitely wrong.

I have been both physically and verbally abused and I would take the physical over the verbal any day. 

- You have to behave like a parent to your partner:

Being in a relationship with a narcissist often feels like you're raising a child.

 Sure, maybe they have a great job, perhaps even a decent bank account. Both of those make it even more confusing that you would have to teach them the basics of human decency.

Some targets of narcissistic abuse find it cute and endearing that they have to follow up on their partner and clean up their messes for them. "The poor thing just can't help it; they just can't handle adult responsibilities."  The narcissist would be lost without their doting partner by their side to wipe off the stage and be "the cleaner," 

Much like the crime scene cleaner in psychological thrillers, the narcissists partner has to go in behind them and make everything disappear...only to find themselves cleaning up another mess before they've had time to catch their bearings.

Adults should not be taking care of other adults as if they were children. This is the basic dynamic of denial and enabling. 

Again, I have been in every single one of these situations so none of this is judgement.

- You keep your relationship a secret from the people you love

This is probably one of the more telling signs that this relationship is very bad for you.

If you were in a relationship with someone who treated, you well and respected you then you would have nothing to hide. The people in your inner circle would be happy for you realizing you had a partner who was caring and compassionate and made you happy.

Keeping your relationship, a secret is a sign of a severe trauma bond. Normal relationships do not cause you to form trauma bonds and it is very important toto know the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. 

Again, I know this from experience. I encourage you to speak to a therapist or join a community that is well informed on narcissism and relationships.