How many points?

 There was an analogy a psychologist talked about on my friends podcast this morning that really resonated with me. She said there was a husband and a wife and the husband said :

“honey, I adore you and every-time you meet someone new or make a new friend you give them 10 points up front. Then when they do you wrong it’s like you give them 10 chances until they get down to 0 points. He said that’s really not healthy for you and that’s why you get hurt so much. He said I give 0 points upfront and they have to work hard to earn those 10 points.” 

Obviously this little anecdote is talking about trust. I was told recently by my own therapist I do the same thing, but in a romantic relationship. That I completely give the guy all my trust upfront and then give a bunch of chances once they break it. 

She isn’t wrong. However, I remember telling her I feel like that is part of me. It’s one of my qualities that makes me, well, me! I am trusting, even at times have been called naive. I had the mindset that I don’t necessarily think it is wrong to trust people upfront or to give chances. Because I am flawed and so I easily forgive others for being flawed themselves. 

As time goes on though, I am realizing the importance of allowing someone to earn trust and to earn those “points” so to speak. 

I’m not sure that will be something I will change because it isn’t in my personality. The thing I AM working on changing are my boundaries. Trying to be very clear what they are and not give so many chances when someone crosses them. I am definitely still a work in progress on that. 

Every time we stick to a boundary it is like we are putting a vote in for ourselves. Every time we do not and we bend on it or say we’ll it wasn’t “that bad” I can just forgive it this time or “it will get better.” We are in essence voting against ourselves. 

So in order to trust myself more I want to continue to be firm in my boundaries and stick to them and vote for myself. In doing this it will also continue to build confidence! 

I hope you will do the same and I hope this was helpful to someone out there today 😊